The Search for Balance (Reylo)
by FandomGeekGirl01
Summary: After the events of TLJ, Rey finds that harnessing the Force isn't as simple as she'd hoped - and that balance might not mean what she was taught. As she fights to understand the Force, she finds her emotions overwhelming her and leading towards darkness. Her connection to Kylo Ren could prove the tipping point - but will it lead to annihilation? Or salvation?
1. Chapter 1

Snoke's Throne Room

Rey

I awake to smoke choking my lungs. The air is heavy with it, and as I open my eyes, the room tilts and sways. At first, I think it is my head; it aches fiercely from where it struck the ground as I fell. But then I realize the room is, in fact, in shambles. Our fight with the Praetorian guard left flames and bodies scattered, and huge gaping holes in Snoke's once pristine room.

I push to my feet, swaying lightly, as the full force of events washes over me. Snoke is dead. And Ben – Kylo – has chosen the dark side. My heart gives a painful, thudding lurch. I was so close. I was reaching him; I knew I was. I'd seen his eyes, felt his heart. When we had touched, his fingers on mine, I'd felt the truth. There was good left in Ben Solo. But it was so shrouded by darkness and hate that I feared it would never again surface.

I see him then, sprawled on the floor, eyes closed. He is breathing shallowly, and a bruise is already darkening at his temple. Furious, scalding tears burn behind my eyes as I stare. I could end this. End all of this. He wants to take up where his master left off. He wants to take the First Order in an iron grip and rule the galaxy. I've seen the level of desperation and rage he has sunk to. I've felt the pain and anguish. He will destroy everything and everyone in his path. I can see it; the last light fading from his eyes as he truly becomes the monster he craves to be. A man without guilt or remorse. A man without hope or love. He gave into the darkness. Now all he has left is destruction.

Slowly, hesitantly, I step toward him. I can do it. I can end this. My friends will be safe. The rebellion will be safe. Hand trembling, I reach down and pick up his discarded lightsaber. The unstable red flashes to life and pulses in my hand as I walk to stand over him. I can do this.

For the first time, Kylo looks peaceful. With his features relaxed in sleep, I can see hints of his mother and father across his face, scattered like a constellation to mark his heritage. There are no laugh lines to be seen. No hints of joy. But, in this moment, he is at peace. The first tear slips down my cheek as I stare. This is the man I was coming to know. This was the man I wanted to know.

I raise the lightsaber.

And then I lower it, a sob wracking me as I realize what I've almost done.

The angry red disappears as I will it and the lightsaber clatters to the floor. I drop to my knees beside him and reach out with trembling hands to brush his hair from his face.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'm sorry. I'm not like him. I won't be that person. I won't give up on you, Ben." Gently, gingerly, I bend over and brush my lips across his forehead. "I'll bring you back to the light, Ben Solo. I won't leave you to face this darkness alone."

I had almost done what I'd condemned Luke for. Struck him down in his sleep, murdered him for the future I perceived. Ben was lost. Damaged. But I refused to believe he was evil. Even now, after everything. I had to believe he could be saved.

Because I couldn't face the possibility that I was half in love with a monster.


	2. Chapter 2

Kylo

I was going to kill him. Kill them all. They had humiliated me, tricked me. Rage burned in my gut that my mother and her foolish resistance had vanished once more, to rebuild and hound me. Like gnats swarming around my face. I couldn't breathe easily until they were eradicated like the plague they were. Until every trace of my former life – the life that betrayed me – was destroyed.

Dark waves of Force pulsed from me and the chair and desk beside my bed went flying, crashing into the wall and shattering into splinters. I could feel my hate like an old friend. Always there, heavy and corrosive. Comforting, in a way. It was the one emotion I could always count on to be there. My touchstone.

Rey's face flashed briefly in my mind, and I snarled, physically casting it away with outflung arms. Briefly, I'd hoped she could be my new touchstone. I'd hoped that she could balance me, bring me peace. Maybe even love. But she had betrayed me just like everyone else. Rejected me like I was trash. And then she'd swept down and saved the resistance. Like they could possibly understand her. Like they had any idea of what she was going through.

I was the only one who knew what it was like to struggle with the Force. I was the only one that wouldn't fear her. Wouldn't turn away.

But that hadn't been enough for her.

I hadn't been enough.

There was a soft puff, and I glanced up, momentarily shocked to find that all the splinters from the broken furniture had pulverized into sawdust. The air was thick with it.

"What have you done?"

The words were soft and sorrowful, and I spun around, an ugly sneer creasing my face.

"I had hoped this ridiculous link would have been broken with Snoke's death," I said, unable to mask the bitterness in my voice.

Rey shook her head, staring around the demolished room. "I had thought it would be, as well. Ben –"

"Don't call me that. My name is Kylo Ren. Ben Solo was a weak fool. He's better off dead."

Her jaw tightened stubbornly. "You are Ben Solo. And you don't have to do this. I won't _let_ you do this."

My fingers twitched. I wanted nothing more than to watch her choke on my floor. I wanted to see the life bleed from her eyes; see the despair as she finally realized that I wasn't what she thought I was. My rage and hate lay so heavy I was almost blind with it.

"Do you think you can really stop me?" I asked. "You? Poor, naïve Rey. Your hope was never anything more than a weak fantasy. There can never be peace until both sides are dead and gone. The resistance is filled with idiotic fools. The First Order is littered with weaklings. Both sides will fight and die and nothing will EVER change." I took a step toward her, and she didn't back away. Her face tilted back and she kept her eyes on mine. I felt my heart quicken.

"I can change it, though. I can break them both down and rebuild it into something new. Something good." I could see it, in my head. Peace. No one left to fight a senseless war. No remnants of a day long past to fight for misguided principles. "I can heal it, Rey. And you could still help me."

She looked troubled. "And your only cost would be the death of everyone I care for."

I stepped closer and brushed a gloved hand down her cheek. Her breath stuttered. "I'd still be here," I murmured.

How had seeing her changed my feelings so drastically? One moment, I was ready to kill her. To end her miserable reminder of all I could have had. The next, I wanted so desperately to take her in my arms. I needed her. She was oxygen, and I was suffocating in deep space. She was hope, damn it, and it was torture every moment I saw her.

Rey swallowed roughly – and inched away. I felt that flicker of hope die.

"Yes, you would be. All I would have left is a monster that killed his own parents and destroyed the last good people in the galaxy. The last men and women willing to fight for what was right. That isn't peace, Ben. That's slavery." She shook her head. "Don't let hatred win. Don't let it take you down a path you can never recover from. Come to me. I'll meet you wherever you'd like. Let me show you that life doesn't need a battlefield to be right. That you can be happy without destroying everything that's ever made you sad. Come back to the light, Ben."

I smiled, and knew it was cold and vicious. "I will destroy the light. I will annihilate it completely until it isn't even a whisper across the galaxy. Until the Jedi aren't even a memory of a memory. I will take every scrap of self-righteous, pompous preaching that they've ever spouted and shove it down the throats of those pathetic resistance fighters. And I'll laugh as the light dies with them."

She paled as I spoke, her fists clenched at her sides as though itching for a lightsaber. I felt a distant, twisted satisfaction at seeing her anger. Good. Maybe she felt even a fraction of what was running through me right now. She had rejected me. Again.

I wouldn't ask a third time.

"Was everything I saw in you a lie?" The words were barely a whisper. "Was the light I glimpsed only a cruel joke that Snoke lured me in with? You are not the man I spoke with. You are not the one I…" Her voice faltered, and the words went unspoken. I stifled my pain. "The next time I see you, it will mean a fight. And I won't walk away this time." Her back straightened, and those dark eyes zeroed in on me with strength and resolve. "The next time we meet… I'll kill you. Goodbye… Kylo Ren."

And she was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Rey

It felt like there was a hole in my chest. My heart was a bloody, gaping mess that sent sharp, shooting pains through me whenever I breathed. I tried to ignore it. I did. I fought to find my center. To find the calm I needed to go on. But every moment was pain.

I shifted from my spot on the cliff, reaching again for the Force and that sense of interconnectedness. I yearned to feel at one with the universe. To find my peace and tranquility. But, as it had the hundreds of times I'd tried since we landed on this small, forgotten planet, it slipped from my grasp and I was left with nothing.

I opened my eyes and sighed, wishing Luke was here. I could feel him at the edge of my consciousness. His lifeforce melding with that of the Force and joining into something truly beautiful. Both Leia and I had felt the moment of his passing, like a breeze on our skin. I'd felt guilty about my tears. Like I hadn't a right to them when she'd lost so much more. She had lost everyone. Her husband. Her brother.

Her son.

I shied away from thoughts of Kylo. I couldn't process the barrage of thoughts and feelings that accompanied the very sound of his name. My last encounter with him two weeks ago had left me shaken. I had never seen such intense hatred before. It was a thing to fear.

I still hadn't told anyone about the connection that Kylo and I still apparently shared. I should have – not only did it give us the opportunity to glean his whereabouts and plans, it was a security risk. If he found out where we were, and just how desperate our situation was…

The resistance was in shambles. Of the thirty-three members that had made it through the battle, seven were injured. Leia's distress calls had gone unanswered, and Poe, as the new leader of what was left, seemed paralyzed with indecision. We had stayed hidden on this uninhabited planet for weeks, gathering our tattered strength and waiting.

But Kylo would search us out eventually. Whether it was to eliminate the resistance or to kill me, he would be looking. And I was positive we couldn't win the way we were now.

 _Breath deep,_ I reminded myself. _Take a deep breath and relax. Find the Force. Reach out to it. Welcome it with every ounce of your being. Let yourself feel the balance._

There was a discordant clang within me, and I gasped, falling backward. My vision swam and I swallowed back bile as I tried to get my bearings. This was wrong. There was something wrong with the Force. It had never felt like this before.

"Wrong with the Force, nothing is."

I jerked, staring wide-eyed at the small, green man sitting beside me. There was a faint glow about him, an etherealness that sent shivers down my spine.

"Who are you?" I croaked. It felt like I had been screaming for hours. My throat was raw and dry.

"Yoda, I am. The master of your master, once a Jedi, I was."

"Y-yoda?" I knew that name. There wasn't a person alive that didn't, I was sure. He was a legend throughout the galaxy. The strongest Jedi to ever live – if you didn't count Anakin Skywalker, the man who turned to the Dark. "How is this possible? You're dead!"

"Dead, I am," he agreed. "But gone, not. Stayed within the Force, I did. Watch over the balance, I do."

"I don't understand."

"Balance. Balance the Force is, and the Force, Balance is. One and the same. Without balance, the Force is forsaken. Without the Force, there can be no balance."

I shook my head, his words meaningless. "I still don't understand. What does that have to do with what I felt?"

"What feel you?" he asked. He turned to look at me, a small smile gracing his face. "Feel you anger? Betrayal? Sorrow?"

I looked away. "Yes. I feel those things. Someone I… care for. He is lost. And I don't believe he will ever be found."

"And feel you hope? Love? Joy?"

Bitterness welled inside me, tightening my throat. "Where would I find them?" I asked hopelessly. "We are defeated. Perhaps not yet, but soon. There seems to be no hope left. How can I find joy when my heart is breaking?"

"Breaks your heart for the Solo boy? Passion balance is not. To focus love on one invites hate. Hate leads to the dark side."

I glared at him. "So I am destined never to love because passion can possibly lead to darker emotion? That isn't balance, either. It's deprivation."

"Deprived, you would be not. Fulfilled, yes. To lead a life of helping others. To maintain balance." He looked at me like I was a small child. One who knew nothing and must be lead by the hand to keep away from danger.

Anger rose inside me. A cresting wave of red emotion, cloying in its intensity. And, just as suddenly, it disappeared. I shook my head.

"You're wrong. Everything about this is wrong. A life without emotion isn't balance. Love, anger, joy, pain. All of them have their place in maintaining the balance. And splitting them so decisively… Speaking in absolutes by saying that strong emotion is the dark side and indifference is light… How can you not see how wrong that is? Luke was right. The Jedi were never balance."

I felt sick. The stories I'd grown up on, the heroes I had worshipped for so long… Could you truly be good if you didn't believe passionately in the right thing? Were you truly bad if you were told that passion was a curse? Or were you only living down to everyone's expectations of you? Would any of them – Kylo, Vader – would they have tried so desperately to remake the galaxy in their image if they hadn't been told that their image was so inexplicably wrong?

"You swing so far to one side that I don't think you could recognize balance if it stood right in front of you," I said. "You must experience everything to understand where the balance lies."

He smiled. "And the answer, there is. Did not understand, I. Until the Force I joined, this I believed. But the Force all things contains. Begin to understand, you do. Too late, it is not."

He reached out and touched my forehead, and all at once I felt that connection to the Force I had been seeking. It flowed through me, at once soothing and turbulent, joyful light and rumbling shadows. I could feel the breezy air and the damp, deep caverns. I could feel _life_.

"Meet again, we will."

When I opened my eyes, I was alone. And I felt hope stir sluggishly within me.

When I walked into the caves where the resistance was holed up, Finn was waiting for me. I smiled, glad to see him looking more clear-eyed and aware than he'd been in these past weeks. Rose had finally woken from her coma, though she still wasn't able to walk. I had seen them, closeted together and whispering. It was good to see him happy, even as an unacknowledged yearning ached inside me. I refused to think about why. It wouldn't do any good.

"Finn," I said warmly. "How are our supplies looking? I know you were running inventory."

He shook his head. "Not good. We're running low on most everything. Someone will need to make a supply run soon, or we'll starve. This planet doesn't have much in the way of natural resources."

"Hey." I stepped forward and gripped his shoulders. "We'll be fine. Our people are healing, and General Organa is still sending out messages to her allies. Soon, one of them will respond and send aid. In the meantime, I'll go out in the Falcon and source supplies. We'll get through this, Finn. We can do this."

And for the first time in weeks, I meant it. With the Force connecting me to everything, I felt truly alive again. And I was determined to show the others that it was still possible to fight. And to win.

"I need to talk to Poe and General Organa," I said. "I'll see you later?"

"Of course. Let me know what's happening."

I nodded and slipped past him, venturing deeper into the caverns in search of the resistance leaders. I found them in a smaller offshoot of the main cavern, staring at maps.

"Even if we had the fuel to get there, which we don't, Ren will have his men watching every checkpoint across the galaxy," Poe said with a shake of his head. "We haven't even heard anything from this group. What if they betray us? We have so few left. I don't want to risk them without a guarantee of safety."

"There's no such thing as a guarantee of safety, Poe." Leia's words were soft and earnest. She was gazing blankly at the wall, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. "We cannot stay here while my son solidifies his hold on the Order. We need to act. To gather allies and plan our assault."

"The last time I did that, I all but annihilated the resistance," Poe said, voice flat. "I won't rush in this time. We need to coordinate with allies we trust. And so far, we haven't heard from them."

"Rey? What do you think?" Leia turned to look at me, and I raised my eyebrows. She hadn't been facing me. There was no way she'd seen me enter the room. She'd sensed me in much the same way I sensed other people. I wondered absently if everyone knew she was Force-sensitive, but it wasn't the time for that conversation.

"I think that staying here would be a mistake," I said bluntly. "You're feeding the hopelessness by keeping them locked away. Your men are withering away with your indecision and fear. We need a plan. And we need a bigger ship. There's no way everyone can make an extended journey in the Falcon."

"And how, exactly, do you plan to get that?" Poe asked. "The only ship we have is the Falcon. The hyperdrive is shot, the fuel is running low, and the nearest planet with supplies is far enough away that you have a one-way ticket. One chance to get fuel, supplies, and a ship big enough to carry everyone. If you fail, we're stuck."

I stared at him. "You are a leader in the resistance," I said finally. "You are a fighter. You're a damn good pilot and a man who takes risks for the greater good. The one thing you are not is a coward, Poe Dameron. Don't you dare quit before we've even begun."

General Organa's smile was small and secret. "Well said, Rey. Poe, we need you at your best right now. The resistance needs your spirit and daring attitude. We need the man that took down a destroyer. Can you be that man?"

Poe's eyes flicked back and forth between us, and a frown settled over his features. "You, Finn, and Chewie will go to Chaolic, then. It's the closest planet that suits our needs. Find us a ship, Rey. And get us out of here."

I nodded, hand straying to grip the broken lightsaber that still sat in my belt. "I will."


	4. Chapter 4

Rey

My bed consisted of nothing more than a few blankets and rags bundled together to keep the cold of the stone floor from seeping into my bones. But it was in a private alcove, situated away from everyone else, and that was all that mattered. It was difficult for me, surrounded by people and stone. For one who'd grown up on Jakku, beneath a broiling sky and endless dunes, it felt a bit like being buried alive. Sometimes, I could feel the anxiety creep in on me. The voices bouncing off the walls and echoing back, leaving my mind spinning with the cacophony and my body yearning for stillness.

It was those times that led me to my private room, where I could sit in blessed silence. I ran my hands down the broken handle of my lightsaber. The kyber crystal was in there. I needed to figure out a way to fix the blade and restore it. I laughed hollowly when I realized a part of me longed for those days on Jakku. The simplicity. The warmth. I wanted the heat of a sun on my face. Not the endless clouds of this strange planet. I wanted to go back to scavenging instead of trying to figure out how to fix a weapon that should have stayed a legend.

"Something amusing?"

My head whipped around, and I stared at Kylo.

"Get out of my head," I hissed. The anger I'd subdued during my talk with Yoda reared its ugly head. He stood there, the same as always, looking unaffected by my presence. And I hated him a little for it. I hated that he could systematically destroy everything I cared for and call it progress.

I hated.

And a small, hidden part of me I refused to give light began to understand him.

"Because what I want more than anything is to be stuck with a naïve child," he sneered in return. "As per usual, I didn't ask to be here." His eyes narrowed. "You're divining with the Force."

I stiffened, and my hand clenched around the lightsaber hilt. I wished that it worked. That I could drive him away from me with the sweep of a hand. His presence hurt. He was broken glass grating on an open wound.

"What I do, or don't do, with the Force is none of your concern," I said.

He studied me, dark eyes measuring and cold. "I hear anger in your voice. Hatred." He seemed morbidly pleased. "Don't you know that's the path to the dark side? Or did your precious teacher neglect to tell you that before he died? You have no one to teach you the ways of the Force now, Rey. No one to make sure you don't get swept away by the current. One day soon, your resistance fighters are going to walk in on the drooling husk that used to hold your mind. But you'll be gone." He took a step closer, towering over me in my sitting position. "Your mind will be scattered into every blade of grass, every ray of light, every speck of dust. Everything that makes you who you are will be absorbed into the universe and forgotten."

I stood swiftly, crowding into his space. "That sounds more like your nightmare than mine, Kylo. Just because you fear to be left behind in a sea of anonymity doesn't mean I do. I have more self-worth than that. I know I could never be forgotten by those that care for me. But you don't have those assurances anymore. You drove away or killed every single person that might have remembered you with love in their heart."

He snarled and spun away from me, stalking the length of my small room. "You use your words like weapons." He looked back at me, and I swallowed against the fury I saw in his eyes. "Another admirable Sith quality. Do you feel the pull of the dark, Rey? That insidious, nagging pull to give into your darkest passions and let them run rampant over every other desire? I think you do. Right now, in fact. I think that, the more you tried to pull me to the light, the more you stepped into the dark."

He stopped in front of me and tilted my chin up with one gloved hand. I didn't pull away, frozen in the face of his words and the distant echo of my conversation with Yoda. _Balance isn't indifference. You have to feel all the emotions if you ever want to find true balance._

"You're right," I said, words more bold than I actually felt. My heart was drumming in my chest, painful and loud. The nearness of him was simultaneously enraging and enticing, and my body swayed with the confliction. "I feel the pull. Not of the dark, though. My emotion is strong, and passionate, and unfettered. I feel. I feel everything."

I pulled away from him. "And what I feel right now is rage. You have no right to touch me, Kylo Ren. You chose revenge and pain over freedom and peace. And I will never understand that."

 _"I chose freedom and peace!"_ The echo of his enraged words rang in my ears, and I fought back a wince. I wouldn't show weakness. Not in front of him. Never again.

"I chose those things," he repeated. "Freedom from my past. A way to _end this_. To end the fighting and bloodshed. It is your ridiculous ideals that keep you from seeing that."

"You chose destruction over love."

The room settled into an odd, ringing hush after those words. He stared at me, face pale and form trembling. I closed my eyes against the possibility of tears and shook my head.

"You chose some nebulous, nameless path over what I offered you. And we both have to live with that. I won't speak to you again, Ben. I can't."

" _I_ chose… I _chose_ that? You twist things, woman. You bend and reshape events to make them more palatable in your mind. I chose _nothing._ I gave you a path we could both walk and find happiness, and you spit in my face. You are the one who chose this prolonged, pointless war. You are the one that rejected… love." He glanced down, fists clenched. He seemed to be debating with himself. "You need a teacher. Before you lose yourself and your precious war in the process. Come to me when you're intelligent enough to realize that."

He turned away, then paused. "Despite it all, I don't want to see you die, Rey. I hope we never meet again in person. Because the one who died wouldn't be me."


	5. Chapter 5

Kylo

They were somewhere in the Kyton system. My stormtroopers had tracked them that far, but they couldn't narrow it down to what planet they were currently hiding on. There were ten planets in the Kyton system. Millions upon millions of miles for them to hide.

To be completely truthful, I wasn't eager to find them. Finding this last cell of the resistance meant my final showdown with Rey. And I'd seen how she was acting a few days ago. Her emotions were teeming beneath the surface. Boiling over and scalding her with their intensity. She didn't know how to handle the depth of the anger she felt. And she hadn't yet realized that her connection to the Force didn't calm those emotions – they amplified them. The longer she delved into the tide of the Force and immersed herself in it without a teacher to show her how to ride the waves and maintain her balance, the farther she would fall. Soon, her rage and hate would overwhelm her.

And she'd become like me.

I moved into the training ring and willed my lightsaber to ignite. The unstable, pulsing red cast a glow across the room, and I did my best to ignore it. Some days, it felt like this lightsaber was the best representation of myself. Destructive, unbalanced, dangerous. I'd needed to include the cross guard to balance out the extra energy expended by the kyber crystal. And even with that outlet, the blade remained volatile.

I settled into my forms, battling unseen foes and trying to vent the destructive urges that were slowly consuming me. Seeing Rey had almost sent me over the edge. The woman was masking anguish with self-righteousness, and it was maddening. She had to know I was right. The old age needed to die to make way for the new. It was the natural path. It was her stubborn connections and feeble feelings that kept her from embracing that truth. I had to kill them. And, after I finished off the resistance, I'd take care of Hux and the rest of the First Order. From the ashes, a new, better age would rise. _It was the right path._

I stumbled to a halt, the lightsaber sheathing and dropping from nerveless fingers. Frustration and despair were battling inside me, and the images flashing in my mind were all of my father. Han Solo, the worst parent in the universe. The slick, ne'er-do-well that had taken off to traipse through the galaxy, leaving me to my mother and uncle. The man that sporadically showed up with terrible advice and worse ideas. He was the one to entice me to drunkenness for the first time. Who whisked me away from my studies to brave a smuggler's bar. Who always told me to fight back when I was wronged.

He'd been a terrible father. But I'd loved him nevertheless. And then I'd killed him for doing exactly what Rey had been trying to do. Regret could have no place in my life; I knew that. It was a dragging burden. A weight on my mind that would influence my thoughts and actions. I couldn't afford to be swayed by the guilt of taking Han's life. Even when thoughts of him intruded at the most inopportune times.

Like now. I knew I was thinking of him because of what Rey had said. That I'd driven away everyone that cared for me until I was alone. So be it. I would send my mother and her precious fighters to join my father. And then I'd have nothing left that could cause me pain.

And yet… I couldn't bring myself to pick up the lightsaber. It was tainted with my patricide, emblazoned with my own shame and weakness. It was a symbol of darkness and fear and thick, black rage. It was a reminder of my inability to move forward and erase my past.

"Sir, we spotted a ship leaving the Kyton system. We believe it may be the Millennium Falcon."

I twisted around to stare at the stormtrooper positioned at the arena entrance. After a long moment of silence, I nodded and my lightsaber flew into my hand. There was no place for doubt in my life. Not anymore.

"Ready my ship. We leave within the hour. Don't lose them."


	6. Chapter 6

Rey

Chaolic was a scavenger town.

I recognized the drawn, needy looks on people's faces as we wandered down the dusty streets in search of a parts shop. I needed to fix the hyperdrive on the Falcon, and the owner would probably be able to point us in the direction of a cheap ship, if they didn't have one available themselves.

Chaolic was more prosperous than Jakku had ever been; but that bounty hadn't made its way down to the average denizens. Everywhere I looked there were ragged, hollow-eyed people peddling wares and haggling prices. The children darting beneath our feet were filthy and scrawny, but their voices were loud and boisterous. At least they could find happiness.

I ducked into a likely shop, Finn and Chewbacca trailing behind me. "Find the part we need," I said to Chewie in a low voice. "I'll talk to the owner."

Chewie responded with a low, rumbling affirmative and walked off to search. I approached the counter and slapped my hands down on the worn wood.

"I need a ship," I announced.

The Twi'lek laughed, his short stems shaking as he nodded. "Don't we all," he said, accented voice disparaging. "You won't find many ships here, girl. Most were cannibalized by the First Order years ago. Those that are left are closely guarded and coveted by their owners. You'll have to go farther abroad to have any hope of securing one."

I cursed. "Where would you suggest, then?"

He shrugged and went back to his tinkering. "Try the next system over. Maybe you'll get lucky." His tone suggested he didn't believe that. "Are you going to buy something? My time isn't free, you know."

I searched out Chewbacca and found him holding the part. "Yes. We need that gauge."

"Eighty credits," the Twi'lek said blandly.

I spluttered, eyes wide. "That's an insult to my intelligence," I said. "Ten credits."

"Twenty. That's a rare part in these parts. Trying to fix a Corellian ship?"

I stilled and stared at him blankly. Chewie grumbled and muttered.

"I know, Chewbacca," I said quietly. "It's fine. I'll give you fifteen credits for the part, and not one more. You can find those things scattered around any junk rat's burrow. Don't try to con me."

He grinned and held out a hand, so I passed over the credits and motioned Chewie and the silent Finn out of the shop.

As I turned away, the owner said slyly, "The First Order is on the lookout for a Corellian ship. Don't suppose you're fixing a YT-1300 freighter…"

My hand jerked to my waist for my lightsaber before I remembered it was useless. Instead, I gripped the bo staff I'd bought when we first landed.

"Those are dangerous accusations to be slinging about," I said evenly. I glanced back. "A less forgiving woman would take offense at being called a criminal."

He guffawed. "We're all criminals in these parts, girl. The question is: are the credits on your head worth more than the hassle of dealing with those ruffians." His smile was slow and wide. "You might want to hurry any business you have in this town. I won't be the only one noticing you."

I left quickly and almost ran into Finn.

"Are you alright? What did he say?"

I shook my head. "We need to gather supplies and get out of here. We're splitting up. You gather food and medicine. I'll hunt down the fuel we need and try to get a lead on a ship. Chewie, head back and get started on fixing the drive. We meet back in two hours."

I met Finn's eyes and held them. "If I'm not back in two hours, get out of this town. Dock somewhere hidden, or source to the next planet for fuel. The First Order is on the lookout for us, and they'll probably go for me first. We need to get these things back to the base."

"I'm not leaving you," Finn protested.

"I wasn't suggesting you did," I replied. "I know you wouldn't leave me. But we need the Falcon and the supplies safe. Secure them first. Then you can come back and save me." I grinned. "If I don't escape first. I doubt there's many places out there that could hold me now."

"Unless he shows up."

I glanced away. "The odds of that are slim," I said after a long hesitation. "I'll be fine, Finn. I doubt anything will go wrong. But I want a plan, just in case. I'll see you in two hours."

I nodded at them both and walked away, scanning for a supply station. I'd arrange to have the fuel delivered to the ship first. But there was one other place I wanted to search out, as well.

Finding fuel was easy. Within twenty minutes, I had it paid for and scheduled for delivery within the next hour. There'd hardly even been any haggling beyond what was polite to prove we were both serious. It had been the easiest thing I'd accomplished in weeks.

My next stop was going to be a bit trickier. I wove through the throngs of people, trying to find the right place. I needed an engineer. A tinkerer. An inventor.

I finally ducked into a shabby stall and looked around at the creations within. There were junk sculptures, custom droids, and cobbled weapons scattered amongst the shelves, and relief washed over me. These were the types of things I understood. This was, hopefully, the type of person that could help me. If I could trust them.

I found her tucked behind a half counter, tinkering with some unrecognizable tech. I didn't recognize her race, but it had distinct feline qualities to it. She raised large, slitted eyes to me and smiled, baring small, sharp teeth.

"How can I assist you today?" she asked.

"What kind of work do you do?"

She shrugged, oddly graceful. "I do a bit of everything, I suppose. Whatever crosses my fancy and feeds my belly. I can fix weapons, design droids, or send holos. I'd go so far as to say I can fix most anything, if I have time and the right parts." She set down her work and leaned forward. "Why? What are you after?"

I watched her, unsure. I couldn't bring myself to show her the broken hilt or explain why I'd come. I believed her when she said she could fix most anything. Some of the creations in her shop were astounding. But her character… I'd lost my ability to trust without reservation somewhere along the way. I wanted to believe that people were good. But the universe had shown me time and again that it wasn't so. The truly good people were far fewer between than I'd been willing to admit.

Suspicion clouded her eyes and she stood. "I won't have a part in underhand dealings," she said. "Tell Gorgova my answer is the same as it has been every other time he's sent someone my way. I won't have any part in it."

"Mama!"

A blur of fur and energy darted past me, and a small girl-child flung herself into the woman's waiting arms.

"Arkino told me that I couldn't be a Jedi, because they were all gone. That the First Oder killed them and that they were never coming back! He said that! I told him he was a liar, and he said it was true! That they're dead and I could never be one anyway because I'm just a beast." She was crying, big, wracking sobs that shook her frame. "So I hit him. And then I ran back here. Is it true, Mama? Are they all gone? I want to be a Jedi!"

"Oh, Aria," the woman said. Her voice was a soft croon as she rocked her daughter. "The Jedi can never really be gone. They'll be back, I promise. And they'll whisk you away and train you to be just as powerful and wise as any of them. You'll see. But if you lash out at people that make you angry, do you think you'd be worthy of it?"

Aria stilled. "N-no. I want to be worthy of it, Mama."

She stroked the girl's face and smiled. "So go back out there and do the right thing, darling. I know you have it in you."

Aria nodded and drew in a deep, shaking breath. I felt my heart constrict as she clambered off her mother's lap and ran back out onto the street. There was the difference. Right there, I realized. Being passionate, feeling anger, wasn't bad in and of itself. It was how you _reacted_ to that anger, how you let it dictate your actions, that led to darkness. To imbalance. The revelation was powerful enough to take my breath away. It felt like a gear shifting into place, finally letting my stuttering thoughts smooth out.

I turned back to the woman to find her staring at me with her arms crossed and a stony expression.

"It's time for you to leave," she stated. "I won't have anything to do with your shady business."

I smiled. "Good. I was conflicted, you see. I need your help, but I couldn't be sure of what kind of person you are." My eyes strayed to the spot where her daughter had vanished. "But I think I have the answer to my question."

I took a deep breath and drew my fractured hilt.

"I need you to help me rebuild a lightsaber."


	7. Chapter 7

Rey

The kyber crystal was damaged.

Some part of me had known it probably would be, but I'd held out hope regardless. The woman – Evin'ka – was uncertain if it was still functional.

"I don't know enough about kyber crystals," she said apologetically. "They aren't native to this region. But, logically speaking, I would assume that a crystal damaged to this extent would be either extremely unstable or useless. It might even explode if we were to channel the energy you'd need to use it."

She sighed and placed the crystal on her table. The remnants of the hilt were abandoned in a corner. "I'm sorry. I know you were hoping for different news. But, from what I know, these crystals are volatile. You can only find them in a few places within the galaxy, and the obliteration of them has destroyed countless lives." Evin'ka shook her head. "I can't fix this. I wouldn't even know how to begin. Your best chance is to somehow find a new, unblemished crystal and build an entirely new weapon from it."

I spun away, frustration bubbling inside me. "I wouldn't even know where to look," I said bitterly. "I don't know where the kyber crystals grew. And I'm sure the First Order has raided the natural mines, anyway."

Evin'ka's silence was large and long, and I watched as her fingers picked nervously at her robe. "I may know a place," she said finally. "I've researched the Jedi. My daughter is always hungry for the stories of their order and the lives of those who lived their code. I heard of a tradition… The Jedi would send their trainees – the padawans – to a planet called Ilum to search out their own crystals. To a place called the Crystal Caves. You might be able to find something there."

"I've heard of Ilum," I said quietly. "The Empire raided it years ago. I doubt there would be much left of the planet or its resources."

Her hands spread in a hopeless gesture. "Then I have nothing for you. I'm so sorry."

I sighed and pocketed the fractured crystal. "You gave me the truth. That's all I can ask for in these times. Thank you for your help, Evin'ka. Please, tell no one I was here. It is safer that way."

She nodded and stood. "May the Force be with you, now and always. I hope you find what you are looking for."

I knew my smile was bitter. "I hope so, too."

If I could even begin to figure out what that was.

My walk back to the Falcon was laden with discontent. I was unsure of how to move forward at this point. I was a Jedi trainee with no weapon and no teacher. All I had was a ghost that spoke in riddles, and a man that in turns hated and coveted me. Just as I, in turn, hated and yearned for him. My life had turned murky grey as I tried to sort through the miasma and find the truth. The right path. But it seemed impossible.

"Halt!"

I tensed, glancing over my shoulder in alarm. The sun was beginning to set, and the market streets were slowly emptying. As such, I had a clear line of sight to the stormtrooper leveling his weapon in my direction.

"You are wanted for questioning by Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. You will drop your weapons and submit to arrest, or face the consequences."

I didn't think. I just dove out of the way, rolling across the dirt track and drawing my staff. I had no defense against a laser blast. I needed to neutralize the trooper and escape before more came.

I flung out a hand and focused my energy on him, trying to throw him back. But nothing happened. I growled my frustration. I couldn't harness the Force at will. And, apparently, my body didn't feel like I was in enough danger to exhibit the strength I'd shown on previous occasions.

My anger mounted, and with it I felt a swell of the Force. "You will walk away and forget you saw me," I shouted, _pushing_ with that spot inside me where the power dwelled. The stormtrooper hesitated, clearly unsure, and his weapon wobbled in his grasp. Then, it slowly lowered to a rest position and he turned away to march down the street.

I blew out a shaky breath, feeling lightheaded from the effort and the exhilaration that it had actually worked. I pushed to my feet, but kept my staff ready. I would need to be extra cautious as I made my way back to the Falcon. I doubted I would be able to do that to more than one person at a time. I'd been lucky that this one had been alone.

I darted down the street, pushing past a few onlookers that stared with wide, disbelieving eyes. I needed to get away. The witnesses would come out of their shock soon, and I only had a fifty-fifty chance that they wouldn't report me themselves. It was beyond time to get off this planet.

I zigzagged through the market, keeping my head low and my movements furtive. My grip on the staff was white-knuckled, and I flinched every time someone brushed me. My emotions were a tangle of fear, determination, and irritation. I couldn't separate them. Couldn't think clearly. The Force was a cresting wave inside me, ebbing and flowing in various shades of hot and cold.

I felt sick.

Unbalanced.

"Rey!"

I whirled around, disbelief widening my eyes. Kylo stood there, maybe twenty feet back, surrounded by stormtroopers. His hand was on his lightsaber, but he hadn't activated it.

"Give up, Rey. You are outnumbered and outclassed. Come with me now, and no one needs to get hurt."

My emotions solidified and fused together into an icy ball of pain and rage.

"I will never come willingly with you," I hissed. "I would rather die here, on this street, than live in your clutches."

I saw his hand clench on his hilt. "Don't make me do this," he warned, a faint note of pleading in his voice.

My heartbeat steadied in my chest and my breathing evened out. Calm flowed through me, washing away the chills with gentle warmth. This was right. This was good. I would not become a pawn in his game. I would not submit to the dark or my own anger. I remembered the little girl from earlier. My _reaction_ was what defined me. Not how I felt – emotion was natural. It was how I _acted_ on them that was the cornerstone of who I was.

And I refused to be like him.

"I don't make you do anything, Kylo Ren," I said, my voice quiet. But it carried across the distance. "You choose your own path, just as everyone does. Your past does not dictate your present. Every moment you have a new choice. Every breath presents a fresh path. Here, now, I _choose_ to stand against what you envision. I _choose_ to break away from darkness and stand tall in light. Even if it means my death. You have that same power inside of you. It's stronger than the Force. Stronger than the demons driving you."

I shifted into a defensive position and readied my bo staff. "You make your own path. You always have. All I can do is follow my own."

I watched his chest rise in a shuddering breath, and then his lightsaber flared to life.

"Damn you," he said, voice cracking.

And then he turned the lightsaber on his own troops.

He cut them down in seconds, his men too stunned to react. I reared back in shock and stared, openmouthed.

He sheathed his lightsaber and glanced at me.

"Leave," he said thickly. "Go now, before the rest of my men come. I will tell them that you cut these down and escaped. This is your only pass, Rey. I won't let you go again. Find your center. Build your strength. Then face me as an equal."

I hesitated. "Ben…"

"Ben Solo is _dead_ ," he snapped. "Get that through your head. Now _go_!"

I ran.


End file.
